The Royal Person of the Shiny Object I:
by Maidenhair
Summary: A retelling of LOTR that is totally random. I finished chap. 2 finally! If I spell the names wrong feel free to correct me. :
1. Default Chapter

**The Royal Person of the Shiny Object I, The People of the Shiny Thing**

Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR

Everything was very dark, and then random pictures came into view. A funky voice began to blast out from nowhere.

"This is the history of a bunch of shiny objects and the One Plain Gold Shiny Object that was shinier than all the rest. The shiny objects were rings. These rings were powerful, there by deriving the word 'Ring of Power'. Some rings were given to the elves. They're pretty! Some rings were given to the Dwarves, (and Snow White too!) Some rings were given to men, who above all desire television and internet chat-rooms. Still others were chucked at random to anyone who might like them. But they were all deceived! A great ring –shinier than all the others- was forged by the not-so-sweet-and-kind guy, Sauron the Destroyer!"

Lights flash, and a loud bell rings out.

"One by one the peoples of in-between land fell to the power of the one shiny ring."

"It's soooooo pretty!" cry a bunch of people.

"But then," the funky elvish narrator continued, "a last alliance between elves and men was formed, and they really began to kick butt! But Sauron came and stared lobbing off head left and right! It didn't look too hot for the last alliance! But, it all was ok, because some guy with a weird name cut Sauron's wittle pinky off! That caused the not-so-sweet-and-kind guy to fall apart like a tower of blocks, who knew! The dude with the weird name was given a chance to destroy evil forever!"

Elrond cries, "Cast it into the fires of the great and terrible mountain of doom, Mount Doom!"

"Nah."

"But the ring betrayed the dude with the weird name, and he was shot with arrows! Ouch! The ring was found by the creature Gollum, and that was were it would be today if fatty over here hadn't stolen it!"

"Hey!" Bilbo exclaims.

"And things passed into myth. And um, that's all I had to say."

"Can we get going now?" asks Frodo.

"Uh, no. This is the intro. You can pop in when the story starts."

"When is that?" Sam demands.

"When the authoress decides to write more."

Frodo questions, "When is that?"

"Uh, I dunno. She has a short attention span, and you know she's a little…. How do I say this…. Lazy?"

"That fits her." Pippin remarks.

**So, this is stupid? Funny? Great? Lame? It will get better as soon as I decide to stop being lazy and write on it. Do review, it makes me happy, (though it won't necessarily make me go faster or change anything.) Criticism accepted with welcome and cheer, blatant flames accepted like a swift kick in the gut. Flattery accepted like an overly-rich cake. Eww. LOL. Well, be prepared, there's going to be a lot more characters in this fic than in LOTR, and they're all from different stories! Ta-ta! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2, Gandalf is very, very, very late!**

Disclaimer: sings to the tune of 'she's to fat for me' I don't have it, Tolkien has it, it's too opaque for me! (Oh, and all the other stuff I will include, I don't own those either.

To Lahz: Here's the disclaimer.

To Syen: Here's your update at last.

To Nozomuryu: Sorry I didn't update so long! Can everyone please tell me how to spell the names? Sniffle. I do not know how!

To Nota Lone: Hi, here's chapter 2.

To Mrsblond1503: Ok, I continued. XD

To L-X-R: Have you seen my brain?

To Kiana who is now Syen: Hi B!

Frodo was waiting for Gandalf, who was extremely late. In fact, Gandalf was five hours late. But Frodo was patient.

"Arrrrrgggggg! When will that dirty, rotten, jerk get here!"

I _said_, 'But Frodo was patient!'

"Hey! You want a saint, go get Valjean."

Arg! Ok, well, we wasn't patient, but he still waited. He waited and waited. Then he waited some more. Then he waited longer. He waited and waited...

...and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited and waited.

Then he waited again.

Finally the wizard approached. He was late.

"You're late!" Frodo exclaimed.

"A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins (note how I say your name so that the audience knows who you are,) nor is he early, nor is he seemingly early and really late, or is he seemingly late and really early, nor is a right on time but seemingly early, nor is he seemingly right on time and actually late. He isn't even an eeny bitsy late! He arrives precisely when he means to. (Note how I speak in the third person to make myself look wise.)"

"Oh Galdalf! It's wonderful to see you again!" Frodo gave the wizard a hug and picked his pockets.

"Gah! Too much love!" Gandalf cried.

"Uncle Bilbo is up to something at his birthday –again!" Frodo tattled.

"Yeah, so?"

"Sooooo, I wanna be involved." Frodo stated.

"You're too young." Gandalf replied.

"I'm thirty!" Frodo protested.

"In twenty years you'll be fifty."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Nothing, just a ring of power. That'll come in later."

"And..." Frodo pressed.

"So what I..." Gandalf began, but was cut off when a hobbit cut him off in traffic, "Hey buddy! You shall not pass!"

"Oh, look!" some cute little hobbit children giggled, "It's Gandalf!" Then they began to chant: "Entertain us! Entertain us! Entertain us! Entertain us! Entertain us! Entertain us!"

Gandalf let some firework butterflies loose.

"Ah, that was nice of you." Frodo said, "Last time you just spanked them all with your staff."

"It wasn't nice at all," Gandalf corrected, "Those butterflies will burn the bajinkers out of their fat little hands as soon as they touch them. And they stick, too, and keep on burning. _On and on! _Snicker-snicker."

"Ow! Ow! Mommy!" the hobbit children cried.

"Oh." Frodo said lamely.

"Now I must bother Bilbo." Gandalf said, "Adios."

"Bye." Frodo said, "Say, can I take the cart for a spin."

"Don't do any doughnuts in the parking lot of Pipeweeds R Us." Gandalf warned.

"Aw, man! How 'bout figure eights?"

"No." Gandalf stated.

Frodo left, and went out to do doughnuts and figure eights in the parking lot of Pipeweeds R Us.

**Stay tuned for chapter 3. This is a nonprofit fic. Your donation of a review will go to support charities such as Dravers R US, The Royal Person of the Shiny Object, and Maidenhair's Profile. Thank you.**


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